Category: Holidays

New Year

Happy New Year

The sun hit my face while lying in bed
But I felt like a band was marching on my head
Last night was New Year’s Eve and filled with drink
I looked around and didn’t know what to think

It was not my room, this was not my bed
How I got here had me scratching my head
I remember drinking a lot, like a real guzzler
But how I got here is a real puzzler

I turned to my left and what did I see
But some strange woman looking at me
Now I like women, all kinds and all sorts
But this ugly bitch had a face like a horse

I looked under the covers, my cloths were not there
And worse someone had shaved off all of my hair
I could only imagine what happened last night
I started to panic, my thoughts turned to fright

The woman leaned towards me and asked in a whisper
If we could make love again, after I kissed her
Now sex with women is my normal desire
But a kid with this beast I did not want to sire

I had to think fast, I had to think quick
To get out of here I needed a trick
Quick as a wink I told her, you know
Nature calls and to the bathroom I must go

When my feet hit the floor no time did I waste
I ran out the door in a great haste
Now true I was naked, with no hair to boot
But I didn’t care or give a hoot

When you go out drinking please take care
Or you may end up naked, without any hair
Limit your drinking on New Years Eve
Or in nine months a paternity suit you will receive

Christmas, Holidays

Night before Xmas poem 2020

On Christmas Eve I was watching TV.

When the governor came on and he said to me,

The COVID is spreading and it’s getting late

We all must stay home and self isolate.

 

I ran to the doors and set all the locks

I put on my robe, my slippers and socks. 

I settled down to a nice quiet time

I then pored myself a big glass of wine.

 

As I sat there from the wine I was getting looped,

But then I heard a loud thud on my roof.

I thought to myself, now what could that be?

Probably some robber coming after me.

 

I jumped from my chair, I was off in a flash.

I ran to the room where I keep my gun stash.

I loaded a 12 gauge as quick as I could

I figured no matter what happened that I’d be good.

 

I went back to the living room but what did I see

A fat guy, in a red suit coming down the chimney.

His eyes had a twinkle, his nose like a cherry

He had a white beard, and his face seemed merry.

He had a large gut, like a beer belly

And when he laughed it shook like jelly.

 

I said, now hold on there stranger, and this I must ask, 

haven’t you heard of COVID? And where is your mask?

The stranger said nothing and turned away from me.

He started to move towards the Christmas tree.

 

Now Christmas or not I did not know 

the COVID status of this jolly hobo.

I raised my shotgun and the led I let fly

I didn’t  want to get COVID, I didn’t want to die.

 

When the ambulance came to take his carcass away

The paramedics told me to have a good day.

I needed some liquor to calm down my fright,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.